Helen Ford Wallace| Oklahoman
QUESTION: My 38-year-old daughter is having twins. Her first babies. Is it wrong of me to host a baby shower for her? Her mother-in-law has declined to co-host due to etiquette issues. We hosted her wedding shower.
My issue is there will be a great many people invited and it can get a bit expensive, but I am willing to take in that expense. I guess I don’t feel comfortable letting someone else take on the burden of what could be a costly shower. What would the proper thing for me to do? Should I put another person’s name as hostess and leave my name off, but still pay for it?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: How exciting for her and YOU! I feel etiquette rules like these are OK to break from time to time. Especially for a joyous occasion as a baby shower! If someone offers to join you in hosting, let them! You can just pay for the more expensive item if that makes you feel more comfortable.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Traditional etiquette rules frown on close relatives like mothers hosting baby showers to avoid being self-serving. However, even the etiquette gurus at the Emily Post Institute have softened their traditional stance on this a bit over the years, saying that anyone can host a baby shower “as long as there is a legitimate reason.” I think you have to determine that for yourself, and it sounds like you’re trying to do that.
Usually hosts tell the honoree how many people they can comfortably host, so you are right — your guest list might be limited if someone else were to hold a shower. It takes a lot of items to welcome two babies at once, and families need all the help they can get. I would tread carefully in this territory; perhaps it would be better to co-host it and contribute heavily financially or leave it to a close friend. I hope your daughter has a lovely shower, whoever hosts it. If you don’t feel comfortable hosting a shower, what about having a Sip-and-See once they’ve arrived so everyone can meet these new babies? Congratulations!
HELEN’S ANSWER: It is awkward for a mother to host a baby shower for her daughter because gifts are involved. If you are an immediate family member having the party, it is like you are watching to see who gives what gift. It is much better for a close friend to have the party. Ask all your friends over after the baby is born for a Sip-and-See party. Most of them will bring gifts then.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Patti Leeman, community volunteer: So exciting! As the grandmother of twins, I guarantee your lifetime of joy is about to double in a hurry. Because you are asking the etiquette questions you mention, you must have some reservations about hosting a shower for your daughter. You should ask your daughter and her husband about it. They do not need additional stressful situations to make them lose sleep before the babies arrive.
If they are hesitant for any reason, you might suggest a substitute of a Sip-and-See or Meet-the-Family gathering for these friends to see the babies and their parents after the births. Gifts are usually customary but not at all compulsory, so there could be no impropriety attached.
Callie Athey is 20-something, Lillie-Beth Brinkman is in her 40s, and social columnist Helen Ford Wallace is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.
